I thought I had run out of time….
Isn’t it crazy how it often takes a really difficult experience or challenge to give us a good reminder that we need to be grateful for all we have and really take a look at ourselves.
For me, this came last year, when I was pregnant and had to undergo brain surgery.
I was living life at a crazy pace…workaholic, mum, wife, friend and anything else I could manage. We had just found out we were pregnant and were so excited to finally be having another baby.
Then one night it all came to a terrifying halt! I woke up on the bathroom floor, covered in blood, with no idea what had happened. I immediately thought I had lost the baby, to then realise I had fainted and hit my head.
We went straight to hospital, where doctors informed us that the aneurysm in my brain had increased in size. This change meant it was now unstable and needed to be operated on to avoid the high risk of it bursting. If it were to burst I would die and there would be little they could do to help me.
Hardly able to breath let alone speak, hubby and I just stared at each other with tear filled eyes…We were left to consider our options.
I spent all night pouring over each of these, pros and cons. I had a million things swirling around in my head – I wanted my baby no matter what but I didn’t want to die! I wondered if my options would change if I wasn’t pregnant? My little girl and my husband are my first priority, they need me.
I really had no idea how to process what was happening, I was a mess.
I remember crying myself to sleep, praying, begging for more time. I didn’t even know if I would survive or ever leave the hospital and then if I did make it, would I be me or would I be different? It’s brain surgery for crying out loud!!! They are going to open up my skull!!!
I don’t know what you believe in but it was my faith that kept me together at the scariest time in my life. After weighing up all the pros and cons of each option all I wanted was to be told what to do, it’s too hard a choice for a pregnant mother – how do you as a mother carrying an unborn child willingly choose to risk loosing it? But then how can you risk your own life as the mother to your first born? To everyone else it seemed simple.
My family had begged me to just focus on surviving, regardless of what that meant…
I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare!
After speaking with the doctors the next morning I had a very clear answer – You are a ticking time bomb and we need to act ASAP. The surgery is booked for tomorrow morning.
I had run out of time……
That night my heart ached for more time to cuddle and kiss my little girl, I want to see her grow up, loose her first tooth, start school, be there to support her, wipe away her tears, laugh till our bellies hurt, whisper secrets, see her graduate, get married…Who will love her like I do? I am her mummy…
My beautiful husband, will I ever lie in his arms again, get to make love to him, grow old together? My family, my friends, my people…have I loved them enough, do they feel loved?
I wasn’t ready to let go of my life but there was no more time.
Saying goodbye before going into theatre, was heart breaking, there was no turning back. I was fearful that these could be our last moments together.
I just prayed for strength and peace and to come out the other side of this as me.
Thankfully I did and now almost 10 months later I have made a full recovery and am now mummy to two gorgeous little girls. Our little miracle baby survived, what a little fighter.
Every time we look at her and hold her we are blown away by her strength and resilience to make it through it all. She completes our little family of four.
I am so grateful as I know many other women don’t get their time back. I am focusing on being with my loved ones, slowing down and being present as much as I can be. As I now know the greatest gift we can give each other is our time. I need to be mindful where I invest it.
It’s so easy to get caught up in being so busy with all of the other contents of life, career, materialism, pulled by others needs and commitments, that you don’t have time to even recognise yourself, let alone what’s important to you.
I look at each person in my life differently now. There is a new silence within me, a peace in me knowing that I truly have been given a second chance and I don’t want to waste a second of it. I remind myself in those frantic challenging moments as a parent, how lucky I am to still have them and rather than get cranky, I grab her and hold her tight and tell her I love her at every opportunity.
I try to now focus my time on loving and enjoying my family, nurturing and protecting them. On a bad day, my mantra is – I am so grateful to be well and that I can still be here to go through this with you, together.
@shereejonathon
FB: Sheree Hinton-jonathon
