As I recently celebrated my 25th birthday, I took some time to reflect on the years and the journeys that have led me to where I am today. As some of you read in my previous story, my path has had its fair share of dark times, twists, turns and road blocks. But let’s be honest, who hasn’t? Whether its a marriage breakdown, the loss of a loved one, the darkness of mental illness, depression, alcoholism, abuse, childhood pain or an eating disorder, (place yours here), we all have a story to tell and every story is unique. Although these things are common in life, no two journeys are the same.
The darkness of an eating disorder is just one of the (many) things I struggled with growing up. An eating disorder, if any of you have experienced first or second hand, know it never stands alone. It can come with depression, self loathing, cutting, suicide, separation, obsession, anger, fear, shame and many many more things. An eating disorder is a mental illness and isn’t something that will just go away or something someone will simply grow out of. Each person suffers differently, and the illness usually gets worse before it gets better. It is a journey my parents and I discovered is long, draining, painful, and at times unbearable.
My eating disorder began to develop when I was in Year 7 at school. I started out “experimenting” with different ways of not eating, avoiding certain foods, restricting calorie intake (mind you I really had no idea what I was doing and I believed I was in total control the entire time). Deep down my core belief was “I need to be sick in order to matter”. Growing up with ADHD and realising I was different from my friends who didn’t have to take medication, who weren’t in special classes at school and who were just better at learning and concentrating than I was, I felt like I was a burden to the many voices telling me to sit down, sit still, come back, and asking the question “have you taken your medication today”? However, I learnt that when I was sick or hurt I felt nurtured which made me feel like I belonged. Being sick became my day to day reality, and that was only the start of many things to unravel in my life.
As I went through school, the eating disorder I thought I controlled, took up more and more of my focus. The core belief of needing to be sick became almost like a drug. Each time it needed to be something different, it had to be worse than before. This was no way to live and by Year 12, I had dug myself so deep into a hole I didn’t really know which way was up. After my first hospital admission I was convinced this had become my life as I knew it, and frankly I didn’t care anymore. I lost sight of what living with my beautiful family felt like, what working in a normal job was like, what catching up with friends and running around a sporting field felt like. That was gone, and I didn’t ever see it coming back. 
The best thing my parents did for me, which I understand now was the hardest thing for them, was letting me go, and putting me into the care of “strangers”. After many hospital admissions, rehab stays and counselling sessions, nothing at all seemed to help or work. All of it actually fed the disease inside of me and allowed me to become deeper rooted in the illness, taking it to more extremes each time. In 2012, I entered yet another program, and after being away from home for over 2 years, I was in a much healthier and happier place and was ready to come home and try out the new life I was WANTING to live. What I didn’t realise, was that although I knew I was different, I had to regain the trust and respect not only from my eager yet hesitant parents but from my friends and loved ones who came along for the ride. That in itself was a journey along a bumpy track.
Today I am so grateful to be where I am and to have my incredibly strong and determined parents who never once gave up fighting for me to be where and who I am today. I am so blessed to be embarking on a whole new journey as an international flight attendant which will not only take me to many parts of the world but also give me new opportunities and visions to work towards.
I am truly thankful to have done such deep work and have such a wide understanding of what triggers in my life caused me to go down the path I did.
These years have taught me to never judge a book by its cover.
EVERYONE NEEDS GRACE, LOVE AND FORGIVENESS.
The journey to get to a place of health and self-respect was not easy, and that’s a story for another day. It did however teach me to love deeper, forgive quicker and stretch my grace muscles.
I am grateful to be able to share my story in the hope that many of you will be encouraged and know that no matter which path you find yourself on in this journey we call life, YOUR STORY MATTERS.
You have the power to walk in freedom.
Love Always,
Kelly
