Have you ever hated something?
Despised, detested, loathed and rejected something? Have you woken up in the morning remembering this thing and are automatically angry or even scared?
When I was around the age of 13 these feelings slowly began to emerge in my life. Obsessed, scared, angry, lonely, suspicious, hurt, hidden, confused, powerless and many more, became my daily reality as Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia became my existence. Year after year the roots went a little deeper until I was completely obsessed with food and weight.
During my final year of school as I was sitting my trial HSC, I was rushed to hospital as my exhausted and fragile body began to shutdown. There began the start of my 3 year journey of jumping from one rehab program to the next. My days became darker and darker as the weeks went by and I discovered more ways of harming and damaging myself. I was always in competition with myself, making the next week worse than the last. A few times I almost lost my life. I never wanted to get better, nor did I ever believe I could. I hated myself.
In 2012, I found myself at the door step of yet another program…broken, depressed, anxious, scared and in my eyes, unloveable. I didn’t want to get better, I enjoyed being sick. What I didn’t realise was just how much I was hurting those around me.
This program was like no other. They taught me that I was designed to be loved and the basic principles of loving myself and those around me. I never knew what it was like to love myself. I battled for months the thought that someone could love me exactly the way I am. Slowly but surely I let my guard down and allowed someone to get close enough to help me dig out the core beliefs and experiences that caused my life to take the road it did.
I am happy to say that 4 years on, in 2016, I am absolutely loving and living life to the fullest. I have been able to travel to parts of the world helping in missions, form strong and healthy relationships with my family and friends, go confidently into the work force, and most importantly, I have been able to support those not only battling eating disorders but those struggling in ways I did.
Learning to love myself wasn’t easy, but it was the best thing I ever did!
My name is Kelly Lee and this is only part of my story.
